I'm exhaling

and grateful to be sitting at my computer; my second chemo treatment was one week ago today. And it was not bad. Much better than the first one actually. I've been more tired than I normally would be this week, my stomach isn't feeling exactly "normal", but otherwise, nothing major to report. I made room to get the rest that I needed and now I'm feeling much more well again. Also, I had my acupuncture treatment the day of the chemo, whereas last time I had it a few days later, and I think that made a world of difference.

And I started doing yoga again and in the week before chemo had done 3 classes (including being part of Yoga Unites for Living Beyond Breast Cancer, which was a totally amazing class on the Art Museum Steps)and my body is awakening in a new way by getting back to yoga. I haven't done a class since doing pre-natal yoga when I was pregnant with George seven years ago (!) and creating the space in my life for it is completely restorative in itself.

And I knew what to expect with the chemo this time, so I didn't go in anxious and end up getting completely emotionally drained. My parents came down and were with me for chemo and we passed the time having a lot of laughs (I know what you're thinking, Mom...)and enjoyed our visit together.

I am half-way done with my chemo treatments. I am used to wearing scarves now. It's all right.
***
For Shavuot, which began last night at sundown, my synagogue holds an all-night teaching, which is a traditional way to commemorate the giving of the Torah to the Jewish people. Rabbi Linda gave me the earliest spot so that I could teach and then go home and go to bed.

It was an honor to be there and an honor to teach. A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure that I would be able to teach since it was the week after chemo. Then I got an inspiration. One of the things that I am doing at the synagogue is finding ways to create more inclusive learning for children like George who learn differently. So I decided to do a teaching illuminating Jewish texts that address teaching (as it says in Proverbs) "each child according to his ways" and also a contemporary text by a high school student named Jacob Artson, who has autism and is non verbal and communicates through writing. His writing about his experience is breathtaking and anyone who wants to read it should send me a comment and I'll send it to you.

So as I was driving over to the shul, I had this sudden and profound awareness that tonight I was going to formally teach George's "torah" for the first time. That I was presenting not only as an educator but as a mother who has experienced first hand the neurological challenges that my child faces in basic communication and how that impacts his entire life

and how George's torah, the teaching that I have learned from him in the last few years and that I want to share with the world comes from a text called Pirke Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), 4:20:

Do not look at the container, rather what is inside of it."

and that is George's Torah because my God, knowing George authentically means seeing so much more than what often meets the eye, especially when his sensory system is discombobulated and his body is working disconnected from his mind, which when you have a chance to observe and interact with is unique and aware and just plain working

and George's Torah, as it has applied to me, has meant that my heart has broken a thousand times and opened up a thousand times to become something deeper and more present and more loving and more resilient

so that when I call my blog which thank you for reading

Hope is the thing with feathers

I mean that is how I am living my life

every f--ing day

and George's Torah

has made me the resilient person

that I am

who can just kind of get through tough shit, like breast cancer.

So I am really inspired and thankful that I shared that teaching last night and my vision though still kind of foggy at the moment is that I will grow and share this teaching

and that more people in the world will look past the container when they meet a person who is neurologically challenged or even better, be conscious of lookinmg past the container any time you meet "the other"

and I don't mean this is easy stuff at all, it's not. But that makes the this Torah more sacred to me.

Amen.