Yesterday I did my first load of laundry

and it felt incredible to do (mom, when you're reading this, yes, Dr. Frankel said I could start doing chores like that and I'm not pushing it too much).

Today, I had a pretty "regular" day, taking the kids to school for the first time, spending the afternoon with them at the playground, getting dinner ready...and I felt weepy throughout.

Yesterday I was so ecstatic about not needing more surgery and about my appointment Wednesday with the oncologist who is recommending a very manageable round of chemo (4 treatments, spaced 3 weeks apart) and today I can't hold onto the details of anything and I hate looking at the pile of mail and bills that I haven't gone through getting bigger every day.

Yesterday I could feel all of the things I've learned from this strange experience. I was thinking about the conversation my friend Yitz and I had when he was talking about a Buddhist teaching and gave the example of an apple and how we know "this is an apple, it has seeds, a core, a peel." And how it's the same thing with life, we know "this is life"--people get diseases and life is hard. And how I was feeling that this is life, accepting that, I am just a soul here in a body and my body became ill

and I thanked God for my doctors and my husband and my family and my friends and my children and my synagogue and my home and my body's ability to heal so quickly.

And today I yelled at a lady at the playground and I yelled at my kids.

Yesterday I was okay with the fact that I can't be a supermom right now and I laughed when I found the Purim puppets strewn in with the Sesame Street toys in the toy box. I never got them back into the box marked "Purim" and now it's time to teach the kids about Passover and here Junie is still running around telling her version of the Purim story, how Haman was mean and then Nemo fish came to talk to the King and then the big bad wolf came and ate Queen Esther's Grandma. And yesterday I was thinking about how for Georgie I usually make special picture cards with all of the symbols of the holidays to teach him the stories and how I've just understandably fallen down on that job.

And today I feel worried that I can't do what I normally do to teach George and that what if he regresses in the next few months and that someone needs to show Fred how to organize all of the holiday stuff in case anything ever happened to me.

And yesterday I loved all of my meditation/affirmation cds about healing my body from cancer and the space I've made to listen to them. And right now I would prefer to drink a bottle of wine and not meditate at all. and I'm even annoyed by that word cancer

And tonight I am going to meditate and then I'm going to watch a movie with Fred and drink some wine and I bet tomorrow will be a day like

yesterday

and that every day (even the sucky ones) are a gift.